For as much as she stumbles, she's running...

I'm so tired...and not even physically, but mentally. I'm so drained, I almost wonder if I'm getting to the point where tears just won't even come out. I feel alone, yet I'm surrounded by people. How does that happen? I'm trying so God damn hard, to get out of this funk, to start feeling BETTER about myself, and to believe in myself. Just when I think I'm getting somewhere, someone has to knock me on my ass. Can't I just make it out of this? That's all I want. I just want to be able to look at myself in the mirror. I want to be able to hold my head high...but I can't. It seems like people are just never going to allow that. I know I'm mostly to blame, but something has got to give. I need a break, I need someone to want to care about how I feel. I don't deserve much, but I was hoping that maybe I could find that compassion in someone. I guess I was wrong...

I hate when I'm feeling low. I just ramble on and on. My mind races and the thoughts just can't seem to come out slowly. They just all spill out.

I sometimes look at people, and they look at me and I wonder if they can see my soul. I wonder if they know what I did. I swear sometimes it's like they do. I can't go anywhere or do anything without feeling guilt, shame, remorse. It's like I have this huge person, or weight, that I just carry with me everywhere. It weighs me down, prevents me from standing tall and being the person I want to be. How do I get rid of it?

I don't want to feel alone anymore. It's like all the people I want to trust, the people I wish were there for me, I can't and they aren't. Is this really what I deserve? I'm starting to think it is...I'm starting to believe that I really am nothing...no one. I don't deserve the things that would make me happy. Not anymore. And as much as I want to say that I will make it through, that I will be ok, I'm not so sure. Not unless people forgive, and let go...not unless I get a fighting chance. I have asked already, but I'm asking again...to anyone who reads this stupid thing, to Bryan, to my family, to God...please forgive me. Please. I really am a good person. I really do deserve a second chance. I need a second chance. Please.

Prop me up just a little longer, but if I fall, you fall too.

I want...no, I NEED the world to know how I'm feeling right now. Despite all my insecurities and my doubts about myself, I have never been more in love in my life. You know it's funny, because it's like, everytime I *thought* I was in love, I was convinced. I thought, this is it. THIS...is love. But you know, it wasn't. Not really. Not until NOW.

It's like, no matter what I'm going through, no matter how down I am, he lifts me up. I am convinced he is my saving grace. He has this way of calming me down, making me realize that everything *will* be ok, I just gotta give it time. I don't think my life was truly fulfilled until he came into it and now, I'm so afraid of losing it. It keeps me up at night, it makes me worry all day. I can't lose this. I know I'm not usually this lucky, but God for once, can you make my dreams come true? Can I just have this one thing and I won't ever ask you for anything else? I know I probably don't deserve it, but I will spend the rest of my life proving that I DO if I have to. I don't care what it takes. If I let this man slip out of my grip, I could never forgive myself. I almost let it happen once, I won't make that mistake again.

God, I sound like a freak. haha. I don't care though...I will tell the whole world if I have to. I don't care what anyone thinks. I am in love with Bryan, and it means everything to me. No matter how bad of a day I have, no matter what kind of mood I'm in, he makes it all go away. His love heals me. I can't ask for more. :)

I <3 you baby.

She always has the best intentions, her goodness is innate.

Why does each day have to be such a struggle? Am I just making life harder than it has to be? I think I have this way of doing that...of making ANYTHING harder than it has to be. Why do I do this? All I want is to sit in a park (GOD why can't Central Park be closer?) with the cool breeze blowing through my hair...with a good book in my hands and a glass of tea sitting next to me. I want to stop reading every now and then and look up...watch the people walking by, watch the children run and play and laugh. They have no idea how hard life gets...nor do they really care. I want that back. I want that innocence back. Where do I find it? Is it even there anymore? Sometimes I find myself wanting to just run (drive actually :)) away and not look back. I couldn't tell you why really.

So lay me down, I'm lonely

*sigh* You know, for as long as I can remember, I have always told myself..I will never be like my mother. I could never be her. Everything I could possibly despise in a person, she is it. I hate saying that about my own mother, the person who gave birth to me, but it's the truth. I think I'm her. A younger version. How did I get to this point? Where did I go wrong? I must have taken a left when I should have taken a right. This isn't ok. I'm not ok. I'm so lost, and it scares me. How do I get out of it? How do I find my way home? Do I even have a home?

I decided to get back on WW full throttle. I'm hoping that by putting everything I have into it, I can focus on something positive, and hopefully lose a buttload of weight in the process! I also started that Couch to 5K program that some friends of mine from Galleywinter told me about. Yesterday was my first day, and I'm not going to lie, it was pretty hard. Running is amazing to me though, one of the best outlets for me. So I'm hoping I stick to it and get in shape to run a 5K in December! :) Wish me luck because I'm pretty sure I need as much as I can get.

I want you staplegunned right to my side all of the time

gosh it's been awhile.

Life got pretty crazy there for awhile. I had surgery. Made a horrible mistake. You know, the usual. Things are pretty much back on track for the time being. I am still needing butt loads of time to find myself, but I'm hoping that if I devote 100% of myself to it, I will be successful. Time, it does wonders. Heals the body, heals the mind. I'm hoping it will be that good to me. Lord knows I need it.

Sometimes I stumble, that's when He carries me.

I have decided that I am going to start attending church again. It has been awhile since I've gone, and I miss it. I miss the fellowship, I miss the comfort...I need it back.

I went to see an old friend yesterday. Well, she's young. She's my age, 22. But it has been at least 3 years since we have seen each other. She used to be one of my best friends and we spent almost everyday together when we were younger. We ended up going to different high schools, and we kept in touch somewhat throughout high school, but eventually just drifted apart. I missed her...she's probably one of the most beautiful, caring, kind people I've ever known. I missed her mom too. She was like my second mom. She was always there for me, and comforted me. She basically replaced my actual mom. I got to see both of them yesterday and it was so nice. Her name is Carla, btw. Her mom made us dinner and we watched some of the Olympics. Anyway, they go to a Methodist church, and I had been there a couple of times and liked it, but for some reason never went back. I am going to start going to their church. I'm pretty excited. I just wish I could find my old bible. I guess I will have to get a new one. That's all for today! :)

If not for you, I might have never been saved

I've been doing a lot of "soul-searching" as they say. I feel like I'm in a much better place as of right now. I've learned that I can't control what anyone else says or does, all I can control is what I say or do. I've decided to do my best at trying to be a better person. I'm tired of hoping and praying that the people in my life will learn to be good people. It's just never going to happen. No matter how hard I pray for it, no matter how much I worry over it. I'm done. I give up. I feel like the only shot I have at a decent life for myself is completely in my hands now. It is not dependent on ANYONE else. It's not that I base my happiness on others, necessarily. I just always wanted to have a NORMAL family, with normal parents, and sadly, I think it's taken me 22 years to realize that I will never have that. I never did, and I'm never going to. When I get married, I can't even be sure that I want my dad to walk me down the aisle. I can't even be sure that I want either of them to be at the wedding. And then I feel terrible for having those thoughts. What do I owe them? I mean honestly, what do I owe them? Yes, they are my parents, yes they "raised" me, if that's what you would call it. But they have done nothing but damage me emotionally. I'm done.

When I have children, there is no way in hell my parents will ever be left alone with them. I do NOT want my parents babysitting. And honestly, when my grandma passes away, I think I may move back to Ohio with Bryan, and start our family there. His parents are definitely more fit to be grandparents than my parents would EVER be. It breaks my heart to say it, but I don't think I really want them to have anything to do with my children.

My grandma confronted my mother about a week ago about her drug use. I thought one of two things would happen...either, she would get angry and talk about how she couldn't believe my grandma would accuse her of something like that. Or, she would cry and beg for sympathy and swear up and down that she wasn't doing it anymore. Of course, she chose the sympathy route. She cried, and told my grandma she wasn't going to do it anymore, and that she was getting help from her psychiatrist...blah, blah, blah. Same shit, different day. I'm just done, and I think my grandmother is too.

I am FINALLY washing my hands clean of all of this. I refuse to lose anymore sleep over it, and I refuse to cry over it. It's time I start creating my own happiness and that is exactly what I have been doing.