For as much as she stumbles, she's running...

I'm so tired...and not even physically, but mentally. I'm so drained, I almost wonder if I'm getting to the point where tears just won't even come out. I feel alone, yet I'm surrounded by people. How does that happen? I'm trying so God damn hard, to get out of this funk, to start feeling BETTER about myself, and to believe in myself. Just when I think I'm getting somewhere, someone has to knock me on my ass. Can't I just make it out of this? That's all I want. I just want to be able to look at myself in the mirror. I want to be able to hold my head high...but I can't. It seems like people are just never going to allow that. I know I'm mostly to blame, but something has got to give. I need a break, I need someone to want to care about how I feel. I don't deserve much, but I was hoping that maybe I could find that compassion in someone. I guess I was wrong...

I hate when I'm feeling low. I just ramble on and on. My mind races and the thoughts just can't seem to come out slowly. They just all spill out.

I sometimes look at people, and they look at me and I wonder if they can see my soul. I wonder if they know what I did. I swear sometimes it's like they do. I can't go anywhere or do anything without feeling guilt, shame, remorse. It's like I have this huge person, or weight, that I just carry with me everywhere. It weighs me down, prevents me from standing tall and being the person I want to be. How do I get rid of it?

I don't want to feel alone anymore. It's like all the people I want to trust, the people I wish were there for me, I can't and they aren't. Is this really what I deserve? I'm starting to think it is...I'm starting to believe that I really am nothing...no one. I don't deserve the things that would make me happy. Not anymore. And as much as I want to say that I will make it through, that I will be ok, I'm not so sure. Not unless people forgive, and let go...not unless I get a fighting chance. I have asked already, but I'm asking again...to anyone who reads this stupid thing, to Bryan, to my family, to God...please forgive me. Please. I really am a good person. I really do deserve a second chance. I need a second chance. Please.

Prop me up just a little longer, but if I fall, you fall too.

I want...no, I NEED the world to know how I'm feeling right now. Despite all my insecurities and my doubts about myself, I have never been more in love in my life. You know it's funny, because it's like, everytime I *thought* I was in love, I was convinced. I thought, this is it. THIS...is love. But you know, it wasn't. Not really. Not until NOW.

It's like, no matter what I'm going through, no matter how down I am, he lifts me up. I am convinced he is my saving grace. He has this way of calming me down, making me realize that everything *will* be ok, I just gotta give it time. I don't think my life was truly fulfilled until he came into it and now, I'm so afraid of losing it. It keeps me up at night, it makes me worry all day. I can't lose this. I know I'm not usually this lucky, but God for once, can you make my dreams come true? Can I just have this one thing and I won't ever ask you for anything else? I know I probably don't deserve it, but I will spend the rest of my life proving that I DO if I have to. I don't care what it takes. If I let this man slip out of my grip, I could never forgive myself. I almost let it happen once, I won't make that mistake again.

God, I sound like a freak. haha. I don't care though...I will tell the whole world if I have to. I don't care what anyone thinks. I am in love with Bryan, and it means everything to me. No matter how bad of a day I have, no matter what kind of mood I'm in, he makes it all go away. His love heals me. I can't ask for more. :)

I <3 you baby.

She always has the best intentions, her goodness is innate.

Why does each day have to be such a struggle? Am I just making life harder than it has to be? I think I have this way of doing that...of making ANYTHING harder than it has to be. Why do I do this? All I want is to sit in a park (GOD why can't Central Park be closer?) with the cool breeze blowing through my hair...with a good book in my hands and a glass of tea sitting next to me. I want to stop reading every now and then and look up...watch the people walking by, watch the children run and play and laugh. They have no idea how hard life gets...nor do they really care. I want that back. I want that innocence back. Where do I find it? Is it even there anymore? Sometimes I find myself wanting to just run (drive actually :)) away and not look back. I couldn't tell you why really.

So lay me down, I'm lonely

*sigh* You know, for as long as I can remember, I have always told myself..I will never be like my mother. I could never be her. Everything I could possibly despise in a person, she is it. I hate saying that about my own mother, the person who gave birth to me, but it's the truth. I think I'm her. A younger version. How did I get to this point? Where did I go wrong? I must have taken a left when I should have taken a right. This isn't ok. I'm not ok. I'm so lost, and it scares me. How do I get out of it? How do I find my way home? Do I even have a home?

I decided to get back on WW full throttle. I'm hoping that by putting everything I have into it, I can focus on something positive, and hopefully lose a buttload of weight in the process! I also started that Couch to 5K program that some friends of mine from Galleywinter told me about. Yesterday was my first day, and I'm not going to lie, it was pretty hard. Running is amazing to me though, one of the best outlets for me. So I'm hoping I stick to it and get in shape to run a 5K in December! :) Wish me luck because I'm pretty sure I need as much as I can get.

I want you staplegunned right to my side all of the time

gosh it's been awhile.

Life got pretty crazy there for awhile. I had surgery. Made a horrible mistake. You know, the usual. Things are pretty much back on track for the time being. I am still needing butt loads of time to find myself, but I'm hoping that if I devote 100% of myself to it, I will be successful. Time, it does wonders. Heals the body, heals the mind. I'm hoping it will be that good to me. Lord knows I need it.

Sometimes I stumble, that's when He carries me.

I have decided that I am going to start attending church again. It has been awhile since I've gone, and I miss it. I miss the fellowship, I miss the comfort...I need it back.

I went to see an old friend yesterday. Well, she's young. She's my age, 22. But it has been at least 3 years since we have seen each other. She used to be one of my best friends and we spent almost everyday together when we were younger. We ended up going to different high schools, and we kept in touch somewhat throughout high school, but eventually just drifted apart. I missed her...she's probably one of the most beautiful, caring, kind people I've ever known. I missed her mom too. She was like my second mom. She was always there for me, and comforted me. She basically replaced my actual mom. I got to see both of them yesterday and it was so nice. Her name is Carla, btw. Her mom made us dinner and we watched some of the Olympics. Anyway, they go to a Methodist church, and I had been there a couple of times and liked it, but for some reason never went back. I am going to start going to their church. I'm pretty excited. I just wish I could find my old bible. I guess I will have to get a new one. That's all for today! :)

If not for you, I might have never been saved

I've been doing a lot of "soul-searching" as they say. I feel like I'm in a much better place as of right now. I've learned that I can't control what anyone else says or does, all I can control is what I say or do. I've decided to do my best at trying to be a better person. I'm tired of hoping and praying that the people in my life will learn to be good people. It's just never going to happen. No matter how hard I pray for it, no matter how much I worry over it. I'm done. I give up. I feel like the only shot I have at a decent life for myself is completely in my hands now. It is not dependent on ANYONE else. It's not that I base my happiness on others, necessarily. I just always wanted to have a NORMAL family, with normal parents, and sadly, I think it's taken me 22 years to realize that I will never have that. I never did, and I'm never going to. When I get married, I can't even be sure that I want my dad to walk me down the aisle. I can't even be sure that I want either of them to be at the wedding. And then I feel terrible for having those thoughts. What do I owe them? I mean honestly, what do I owe them? Yes, they are my parents, yes they "raised" me, if that's what you would call it. But they have done nothing but damage me emotionally. I'm done.

When I have children, there is no way in hell my parents will ever be left alone with them. I do NOT want my parents babysitting. And honestly, when my grandma passes away, I think I may move back to Ohio with Bryan, and start our family there. His parents are definitely more fit to be grandparents than my parents would EVER be. It breaks my heart to say it, but I don't think I really want them to have anything to do with my children.

My grandma confronted my mother about a week ago about her drug use. I thought one of two things would happen...either, she would get angry and talk about how she couldn't believe my grandma would accuse her of something like that. Or, she would cry and beg for sympathy and swear up and down that she wasn't doing it anymore. Of course, she chose the sympathy route. She cried, and told my grandma she wasn't going to do it anymore, and that she was getting help from her psychiatrist...blah, blah, blah. Same shit, different day. I'm just done, and I think my grandmother is too.

I am FINALLY washing my hands clean of all of this. I refuse to lose anymore sleep over it, and I refuse to cry over it. It's time I start creating my own happiness and that is exactly what I have been doing.

Life's a dance, you learn as you go

Gosh. Haven't posted in awhile. A LOT has been going on in my life. It's almost too much to even make sense of...overwhelming, if you will.

I found out my parents have both been doing cocaine for the past three years. I think the worst part of that though, was finding it out through my 16 year old brother. I don't know what to do. I can't talk to them. They don't listen to reason and they are NEVER wrong, nor are they ever DOING anything wrong. I know that if I were to confront them about it, they would deny it and make me look like the bad person for EVER accusing them of doing something like that. I kind of suspected that they were doing it, because about three years ago, I was living back at home, and my mom comes downstairs and I'm watching tv, and she's crying and asking me to call 911 because she can't breathe and her heart is beating really fast...so I call them. They show up and they are asking her all these questions. They asked her if she had used any drugs, and I heard her tell them she had snorted cocaine the night before. She promised it was the first and last time she would ever do it. Apparently...she never stopped. My whole family is falling apart at the seams and I have no idea how to make it right. On one hand, I don't care because I lost respect for my parents a LONG time ago. I'm completely fine with never speaking to them again or having any kind of relationship with them. I just worry about my little brothers. I don't know how to help them.

I worry about my mom the most. I did have a relationship with her, a long time ago. I miss it. I miss who she used to be. It's absolutely heartbreaking to watch your mother piss her life away. She used to be the strongest, most beautiful woman I knew. She's not that person anymore. She's sad, depressed, lonely, a hypochondriac, a loser, a drug user, a TERRIBLE mother, selfish...

There's not a day that goes by that I don't wonder if I'm going to get a phone call saying she's gone. I dread that day, but I fear that it's not too far away.

I must have done something right, to get to stare at you everyday

I just learned that our office is closing early tomorrow at 1. This makes my heart happy. So I have a half-day tomorrow and Friday off. WHOO!!!!!!!!! Still don't have plans for the 4th, but hell, just having some time off will be plenty for me. I have no money anyway, so it's not like I could really go somewhere. Before all that crap happened with Jennifer, I was planning on spending the 4th with her and her dad. That's not going to happen now. And I'm actually kind of relieved. I miss my friendship with her from time to time, but overall, I feel so much better. You know, I thought I knew her, and then this whole thing just brought to light who she really is. It was eye-opening to say the least, and it shows who you're true friends are. Eventually, we talked everything out and got it sorted, but it will never be the same, and I am surprisingly ok with not talking to her anymore. I thought it would hurt, but it doesn't.

Blah....don't have much to write about today. I'm just super duper tired. ugh.

Love can be a shelter, but it can be a storm.

Thank GOD for a 4 day week this week. I don't think I could handle 5 days right now. Thing is, I have ZERO plans for this weekend, and it's 4th of July weekend. Yeah, I know....loser. But I barely have a relationship with my parents at this point, and even if they were doing something, I wouldn't want to be a part of it. And if I'm not mistaken, Bryan works Friday and Saturday, which limits us to Sunday...and there's not going to be much going on on Sunday, I'm sure. Blahhhh...I can't wait until he starts this new job. We will have so much more time together. I think the only thing we will be doing on Friday is going to see the fireworks.

Where is Sheena with my breakfast tacos?!?! I'm STARVING over here. :)

My Hero

So..now it's time for me to write about the person who means the most to me. My grandmother. The one person whom without, I wouldn't have become the person I am. I have her to thank for everything. She is the strongest person I have ever known, so resilient and pushes on, no matter what she's going through. It literally amazes me...how she never gives up, never shows weakness. I can only hope that I can someday show those qualities in myself.

In the past two years, she has lost her son, Robert, and her mother just recently died. She has lost two people who mean the world to her, and yet, she's ok. She never complains, never says life isn't fair. I have yet to experience the loss of someone close to me, but I can only imagine how painful it must be. The kind of strength she shows is just beyond words. And on top of all that, she is the most giving, caring, compassionate person. She is always there for me, no matter what I need. She supports me and the decisions I make, she helps me out when I need it, she comforts me when I'm upset...I could go on for days. My life would have literally been a living hell had I not had her to keep me on my feet. I constantly wonder what I could possibly do to show her how much she means to me, but she hates gifts, so that's out of the question. She never wants anything....doesn't expect anything in return. What do you do for a person like that, to show you how much they mean to you? I'm being serious, I need ideas! haha :)

Even words, don't really do her justice. She just has this grace about her. I think she is the most beautiful woman in the world. Her attitude, her nature, make her stand out. I think the thing that amazes me the most, is that her life was never easy. She has had to work her ass off her entire life, and once again, never complained, not even so much as a grunt. She was married twice, divorced twice, had 6children to raise on her own, because both of her ex-husbands really wanted nothing to do with her or the children after they divorced. She moved to Texas from Indiana with 6 kids, got herself a job and did it all on her own. That in itself, shows so much strength. I could never imagine myself doing something like that. I could also, never imagine my life without her.

More pictures!

Pictures!

Bryan and his nephew, Caleb!


Bryan and I!

Before I believe it's true

*sigh* I never knew that "blogging" could make me feel so much better. Hell, for the longest time, I wasn't even sure I knew what "blogging" was. It has made such a tremendous difference in the way I feel. Like I said, no one besides a few select people ever knew about my family life, or my childhood, and getting that out there, felt better than I could express. Things are KIND OF looking up...there's still a few things in my life that are unstable and I'm not too sure about, but I think in time, I will figure it all out. I know I'm young. But I'm about to be 23. And then a year from then, I'll be 24. Time is going by faster than anyone could have imagined, and it's not like I have all the time in the world. I need to get the ball rolling. Wish me luck!

I'm excited. Bryan and I are going to Hill's cafe tonight to see Radney Foster. We haven't been in a few weeks, so I'm looking forward to it. We may go out afterwards with some friends to the bar. Overall, a fun night ahead! :) I don't have much to say today. Hope everyone has a great day!

Continuation...

So you would think that at some point in my life, I would be able to look past all the mistakes my parents have made, and for awhile, I did. I pretended like we had the perfect little family, just like my delusional mother likes to do. It didn't work for too long. I think it would be safe to say the DAY I turned 16, my dad's behavior and attitude towards me changed. Now, I know it's typical for a father to be protective of his daughter, but my dad took it to a whole new level. He was never really a parent to me. He had this way of making me feel like complete shit for every decision I made. I guess the best way to describe it is this....my parents would let me make my own decisions, but never taught me right from wrong. So I was making the wrong decisions and instead of stepping in and saying, ok, you can't make these decisions anymore, they would LET me, but in turn, they would treat me like shit for it. I just remember my dad always talking down to me, always making me feel like a piece of shit. EMOTIONALLY draining me. I grew to resent him. I grew to HATE him. He would call me names, disrespecting me left and right, and all the while, my "mother" is sitting there, LETTING this happen. She's letting this sad excuse for a man, bad-mouth her child. I grew to resent her too, and eventually lost all respect for them. This trend continued with my little brother, the one that is gay. And as far as I know, it is still continuing.

I know I'm not the only person who had a fucked up childhood, and I am not by any means, asking for sympathy. Like I said, I'm just done. I've lied to myself and I've lied to the people who mean the most to me for so long. I would love to sit here, and tell myself that my life was easy, and that I was the happiest child. I wasn't....I was miserable. And the only time I ever felt true happiness was the day I moved out of that house. Haven't looked back since.

And you know, I didn't even touch on the fact that both of my parents do drugs. That one in itself may require it's own entry, including mention of my mother's psychological problems. This was not meant to put anyone on blast, or make my parents out to seem like monsters. You know, the sad truth is, I still love them. Despite EVERYTHING they have put us through, I love them. And sometimes I hate it, sometimes it makes me so angry that I still care. I can't stop...I may have lost respect for them, but I don't think I could ever stop loving them. I like to believe it's a curse, or maybe some kind of punishment for all the wrong decisions I have made. *sigh*

I'm an adult now, have been for awhile, and ever since, I have become responsible for the decisions I make. I don't believe that the person I was/am has anything to do with my parents, and I don't have anything to thank them for, other than for showing me how NOT to be a parent. I guess I do have THAT to thank them for.

I get tired, and it makes me mean

I just talked to a friend of mine, and she suggested that it may be my birth control pills that are somewhat to blame for my recent behavior and emotional outbursts. So that is something I'm going to look into. It never even crossed my mind that it could be my birth control pills causing some of the problems. I can tell you this much though, it's not the only factor.
Just a warning, what you are about to read may be kind of hard to swallow. Sometimes even when I replay it in my mind, I can't believe it's the life I have lived. Only people who are really close to me know this about me, but I'm done. I'm done protecting them, I'm done making excuses and telling myself it's ok. It's NOT ok. Not anymore.

I don't remember MUCH of my childhood. I honestly don't know many people who do. But those of them that DO remember parts, they always seem to only remember the happy times. I don't know if that's because they block out anything painful, or if it's because all they had were generally happy times...all I can seem to remember are the painful times. The times where I felt so alone...

My mother had me when she was 17. She had gotten pregnant by a coworker who was 10 years older than her. He wanted nothing to do with her, or with the child she was pregnant with, and who could blame him? He had made a mistake, he got a child pregnant, and I'm sure he was scared shitless. So he took off, never to be heard from again, and I still to this day have never met him. I would like to, and I would like to believe that maybe someday it might be possible...we'll see. My mom stayed single for about a year or two after I was born, I guess to finish high school maybe, or just to get her feet somewhat back on the ground. My mom was beautiful. Beautiful, and strong-willed and had a mind of her own. I just remember always thinking she was just this amazing woman who would always protect me, and keep me safe. I just never realized how wrong I could be....

She met my "dad," I call him dad because he's the only father I have ever known, though technically he's my step-father, when I was about 2 and a half, maybe three years old. He was just finishing his second year at St. Edwards University, and I BELIEVE he was working at Target. He was only about a year older than my mom, which would have made him about 20 years old. They were both still very young, and I think they really just wanted to play house. I don't think either of them were ready to be parents, but they thought it sounded like "fun" so they said, what the hell? They got married I believe a year later. They had two more kids, my brothers, and we ended up moving to San Marcos, Texas to live with his family because my mom wasn't working, and my dad was barely making minimum wage to support us. Long story short, we were poor, and we did all we could to get by.

I was about 4 years old when we moved to San Marcos, and my dad has a ton of nephews. They all lived in the same neighborhood as we did, so we would spend all day playing outside, and hanging out. When I was about 6 or 7 years old, two of his nephews molested me. I told my grandma, my dad's mom, and I just assumed she would tell my parents. I don't think she ever did, and it was kind of one of those things that got swept under the rug. No mention of it ever again after that...kind of like it never happened. Not too long after, they did the same thing to my brother, although he never said anything. Not until he turned 11 or 12 and couldn't hold it in any longer. His molestation turned out to be a lot worse than mine could have ever been, and to this day, he isn't the same. He was the sweetest boy, so open and honest and would talk to you about anything. He's hardened now, doesn't talk much about how he feels, and shuts himself off from the world. I think it was also harder for him, because he's gay. He came out when he was 15 years old, and I think it was all just very confusing for him. Even as a child, he was very feminine, always wanted to play with me and my friends, and fix our hair and paint our nails. He even went through a phase where he played with Barbie dolls. He was like the little sister I never had.

Needless to say, when my parents found out about my brother being molested, they didn't do or say much. I'm not a parent, but I can tell you for a FACT that if my son or daughter ever told me about someone hurting them, the person that hurt them would never see the light of day again, at least not for awhile. I would put them away for so long they would forget who they were. My parents didn't press charges, didn't even confront the nephews, because "they didn't want to start a lot of family drama." It was swept under the rug, and has never been brought up since. And my brother now has to live the rest of his life, not only with this great weight on his shoulders, but knowing that his parents did nothing for him. I can never look at them the same way since that happened....and this was just the beginning of things to come. The emotionally damage my parents have inflicted on my brothers and I will never leave my mind. I'm ok, I made it through all the bullshit and came out the other side just fine. Don't get me wrong, I have made my share of mistakes, and I am by no means perfect. I'm just surprised I made it out the way I did. I just worry about my brothers, they may not be as fortunate.

This house, it crushes my spirit

Ok. So. It's Monday, boo on that. Although....it's not like normal Mondays. I'm not overwhelmingly busy, and no one has pissed me off yet. Well, I take that back. On the way to work, some stupid girl almost side swiped me. It's ok though, because she didn't. And I'm over it. All in all, today has been good so far.

I had a breakdown last night. I think it may have freaked Bryan out. It's not the first one I've had, but last night was just so random. We were sitting in bed watching movies, and I just started bawling. I can't even explain my own behavior, how sad is that? I think I have a vague idea what it might be though....

I'm not happy with myself. AT ALL. I look in the mirror, and I don't see the person I want to be. And it's not just physical appearances. Inside, I'm not the person I should/could be. I get angry sometimes, over nothing. I'm negative about myself, and sometimes about others. I have ZERO self-confidence, which is new for me. I have always had a pretty healthy self image, and it's gone. It went bye-bye. No matter how hard I try to see the good in me, I just can't. It ain't happenin'.

So this is what I have proposed to do. First, I am going to start eating healthier. I know that I have "supposedly" been on WW, but I have been cheating. So in turn, I haven't been losing any weight. I'm going to start USING the tools that WW gives me, and counting my points so I can be successful like I was the last time I was on WW. Bryan and I are going to Ohio in December to see his family, and I do NOT want to be a whale when I meet them for the first time. Second, I'm going to make the gym a priority instead of an option. Working out has helped in making me feel slightly better about myself, so I think it's something I definitely need. Third, I'm going to start having a more positive outlook. There's this quote, and it's cliche and corny but at the same time, sooooo true.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." As long as I think I'm great, no one can convince me otherwise. It's time for me to focus on ME. And focus on the people in my life who make me happy. Another thing I think I need to do is figure out what all of this stems from. I think I have a pretty good idea, but that deserves it's own blog entry. haha. Happy Monday everyone! :)

You're a fighter

Bryan is my boyfriend, for those who do not know. He is probably one of the most amazing men I've ever known, if not THE most amazing. Him and I have everything in common, it's almost scary. I'm just waiting for the day when we start to finish each other's sentences...I feel it coming. I could sit here and list all the qualities and traits about him that make me love him the way I do, but I'm not going to do that. It's too cliche and would take WAYYY too long. Instead, I'm going to tell you this one thing. JUST when I thought that I would never find the direction I should be headed in, I ended up on that path. I ended up on that path where you just KNOW you're going to be alright. You know that because you now have this person by your side, you are suddenly stronger than you ever thought you could be.

Now, I'm not saying I need him to be strong, or to know who I am. In fact, I believe quite the opposite. I believe that you have to know yourself, really have an understanding of yourself, to know where you're going and what you want. It should never depend on anyone but YOU. Bryan just....makes it easier for me to see the end result.

Let me say this. I still have a lot to learn about myself. Everyday, I'm learning more. Like today, I learned that it's OK to not know what you want to do with the rest of your life. I'm 22 years old, and I have no clue. Somedays, I want to be a teacher, other days, I want to continue in the field I'm in and just move up the corporate ladder. I can't decide. And that's ok. It's ok because no matter what I end up doing, I will be making myself happy. And without the help of anyone else. So what I'm trying to say is...Bryan compliments who I am. We fit. He makes me want to be a better person, and he makes me want to figure it all out. I am forever wondering and hoping and praying that I do the same for him. I will continue to strive, and hunger for the bigger picture. Baby steps are ok, but they only take you so far. I'm ready to run, full speed ahead to my dreams. I see this man in my future, and it excites me more than I can put into words.

Here we go...

I have been thinking about starting a blog for awhile now. Not too sure what's kept me from actually starting it up, but...here goes nothing.

I've been in this weird state of mind lately. I'm happy, but yet, I'm not. I'm content, yet at the same time, I'm impatient and restless. Everyday it makes less and less sense to me. I'm hoping that "blogging" will help me to clear my head somewhat and maybe get a better sense of who I am and why I feel the way I do. Lucky for anyone reading this, you get to hear about my dysfunctional life and my dysfunctional family. Aren't you excited? :) This post will more than likely be a short one, so I can come up with some sort of clever post that will keep your attention. I tend to ramble sometimes...gotta try to steer clear of that. I'll be back. I have too much going on in this huge head...need to sort it out.