Continuation...

So you would think that at some point in my life, I would be able to look past all the mistakes my parents have made, and for awhile, I did. I pretended like we had the perfect little family, just like my delusional mother likes to do. It didn't work for too long. I think it would be safe to say the DAY I turned 16, my dad's behavior and attitude towards me changed. Now, I know it's typical for a father to be protective of his daughter, but my dad took it to a whole new level. He was never really a parent to me. He had this way of making me feel like complete shit for every decision I made. I guess the best way to describe it is this....my parents would let me make my own decisions, but never taught me right from wrong. So I was making the wrong decisions and instead of stepping in and saying, ok, you can't make these decisions anymore, they would LET me, but in turn, they would treat me like shit for it. I just remember my dad always talking down to me, always making me feel like a piece of shit. EMOTIONALLY draining me. I grew to resent him. I grew to HATE him. He would call me names, disrespecting me left and right, and all the while, my "mother" is sitting there, LETTING this happen. She's letting this sad excuse for a man, bad-mouth her child. I grew to resent her too, and eventually lost all respect for them. This trend continued with my little brother, the one that is gay. And as far as I know, it is still continuing.

I know I'm not the only person who had a fucked up childhood, and I am not by any means, asking for sympathy. Like I said, I'm just done. I've lied to myself and I've lied to the people who mean the most to me for so long. I would love to sit here, and tell myself that my life was easy, and that I was the happiest child. I wasn't....I was miserable. And the only time I ever felt true happiness was the day I moved out of that house. Haven't looked back since.

And you know, I didn't even touch on the fact that both of my parents do drugs. That one in itself may require it's own entry, including mention of my mother's psychological problems. This was not meant to put anyone on blast, or make my parents out to seem like monsters. You know, the sad truth is, I still love them. Despite EVERYTHING they have put us through, I love them. And sometimes I hate it, sometimes it makes me so angry that I still care. I can't stop...I may have lost respect for them, but I don't think I could ever stop loving them. I like to believe it's a curse, or maybe some kind of punishment for all the wrong decisions I have made. *sigh*

I'm an adult now, have been for awhile, and ever since, I have become responsible for the decisions I make. I don't believe that the person I was/am has anything to do with my parents, and I don't have anything to thank them for, other than for showing me how NOT to be a parent. I guess I do have THAT to thank them for.