Sometimes I stumble, that's when He carries me.

I have decided that I am going to start attending church again. It has been awhile since I've gone, and I miss it. I miss the fellowship, I miss the comfort...I need it back.

I went to see an old friend yesterday. Well, she's young. She's my age, 22. But it has been at least 3 years since we have seen each other. She used to be one of my best friends and we spent almost everyday together when we were younger. We ended up going to different high schools, and we kept in touch somewhat throughout high school, but eventually just drifted apart. I missed her...she's probably one of the most beautiful, caring, kind people I've ever known. I missed her mom too. She was like my second mom. She was always there for me, and comforted me. She basically replaced my actual mom. I got to see both of them yesterday and it was so nice. Her name is Carla, btw. Her mom made us dinner and we watched some of the Olympics. Anyway, they go to a Methodist church, and I had been there a couple of times and liked it, but for some reason never went back. I am going to start going to their church. I'm pretty excited. I just wish I could find my old bible. I guess I will have to get a new one. That's all for today! :)

If not for you, I might have never been saved

I've been doing a lot of "soul-searching" as they say. I feel like I'm in a much better place as of right now. I've learned that I can't control what anyone else says or does, all I can control is what I say or do. I've decided to do my best at trying to be a better person. I'm tired of hoping and praying that the people in my life will learn to be good people. It's just never going to happen. No matter how hard I pray for it, no matter how much I worry over it. I'm done. I give up. I feel like the only shot I have at a decent life for myself is completely in my hands now. It is not dependent on ANYONE else. It's not that I base my happiness on others, necessarily. I just always wanted to have a NORMAL family, with normal parents, and sadly, I think it's taken me 22 years to realize that I will never have that. I never did, and I'm never going to. When I get married, I can't even be sure that I want my dad to walk me down the aisle. I can't even be sure that I want either of them to be at the wedding. And then I feel terrible for having those thoughts. What do I owe them? I mean honestly, what do I owe them? Yes, they are my parents, yes they "raised" me, if that's what you would call it. But they have done nothing but damage me emotionally. I'm done.

When I have children, there is no way in hell my parents will ever be left alone with them. I do NOT want my parents babysitting. And honestly, when my grandma passes away, I think I may move back to Ohio with Bryan, and start our family there. His parents are definitely more fit to be grandparents than my parents would EVER be. It breaks my heart to say it, but I don't think I really want them to have anything to do with my children.

My grandma confronted my mother about a week ago about her drug use. I thought one of two things would happen...either, she would get angry and talk about how she couldn't believe my grandma would accuse her of something like that. Or, she would cry and beg for sympathy and swear up and down that she wasn't doing it anymore. Of course, she chose the sympathy route. She cried, and told my grandma she wasn't going to do it anymore, and that she was getting help from her psychiatrist...blah, blah, blah. Same shit, different day. I'm just done, and I think my grandmother is too.

I am FINALLY washing my hands clean of all of this. I refuse to lose anymore sleep over it, and I refuse to cry over it. It's time I start creating my own happiness and that is exactly what I have been doing.