For as much as she stumbles, she's running...

I'm so tired...and not even physically, but mentally. I'm so drained, I almost wonder if I'm getting to the point where tears just won't even come out. I feel alone, yet I'm surrounded by people. How does that happen? I'm trying so God damn hard, to get out of this funk, to start feeling BETTER about myself, and to believe in myself. Just when I think I'm getting somewhere, someone has to knock me on my ass. Can't I just make it out of this? That's all I want. I just want to be able to look at myself in the mirror. I want to be able to hold my head high...but I can't. It seems like people are just never going to allow that. I know I'm mostly to blame, but something has got to give. I need a break, I need someone to want to care about how I feel. I don't deserve much, but I was hoping that maybe I could find that compassion in someone. I guess I was wrong...

I hate when I'm feeling low. I just ramble on and on. My mind races and the thoughts just can't seem to come out slowly. They just all spill out.

I sometimes look at people, and they look at me and I wonder if they can see my soul. I wonder if they know what I did. I swear sometimes it's like they do. I can't go anywhere or do anything without feeling guilt, shame, remorse. It's like I have this huge person, or weight, that I just carry with me everywhere. It weighs me down, prevents me from standing tall and being the person I want to be. How do I get rid of it?

I don't want to feel alone anymore. It's like all the people I want to trust, the people I wish were there for me, I can't and they aren't. Is this really what I deserve? I'm starting to think it is...I'm starting to believe that I really am nothing...no one. I don't deserve the things that would make me happy. Not anymore. And as much as I want to say that I will make it through, that I will be ok, I'm not so sure. Not unless people forgive, and let go...not unless I get a fighting chance. I have asked already, but I'm asking again...to anyone who reads this stupid thing, to Bryan, to my family, to God...please forgive me. Please. I really am a good person. I really do deserve a second chance. I need a second chance. Please.