For as much as she stumbles, she's running...

I'm so tired...and not even physically, but mentally. I'm so drained, I almost wonder if I'm getting to the point where tears just won't even come out. I feel alone, yet I'm surrounded by people. How does that happen? I'm trying so God damn hard, to get out of this funk, to start feeling BETTER about myself, and to believe in myself. Just when I think I'm getting somewhere, someone has to knock me on my ass. Can't I just make it out of this? That's all I want. I just want to be able to look at myself in the mirror. I want to be able to hold my head high...but I can't. It seems like people are just never going to allow that. I know I'm mostly to blame, but something has got to give. I need a break, I need someone to want to care about how I feel. I don't deserve much, but I was hoping that maybe I could find that compassion in someone. I guess I was wrong...

I hate when I'm feeling low. I just ramble on and on. My mind races and the thoughts just can't seem to come out slowly. They just all spill out.

I sometimes look at people, and they look at me and I wonder if they can see my soul. I wonder if they know what I did. I swear sometimes it's like they do. I can't go anywhere or do anything without feeling guilt, shame, remorse. It's like I have this huge person, or weight, that I just carry with me everywhere. It weighs me down, prevents me from standing tall and being the person I want to be. How do I get rid of it?

I don't want to feel alone anymore. It's like all the people I want to trust, the people I wish were there for me, I can't and they aren't. Is this really what I deserve? I'm starting to think it is...I'm starting to believe that I really am nothing...no one. I don't deserve the things that would make me happy. Not anymore. And as much as I want to say that I will make it through, that I will be ok, I'm not so sure. Not unless people forgive, and let go...not unless I get a fighting chance. I have asked already, but I'm asking again...to anyone who reads this stupid thing, to Bryan, to my family, to God...please forgive me. Please. I really am a good person. I really do deserve a second chance. I need a second chance. Please.

Prop me up just a little longer, but if I fall, you fall too.

I want...no, I NEED the world to know how I'm feeling right now. Despite all my insecurities and my doubts about myself, I have never been more in love in my life. You know it's funny, because it's like, everytime I *thought* I was in love, I was convinced. I thought, this is it. THIS...is love. But you know, it wasn't. Not really. Not until NOW.

It's like, no matter what I'm going through, no matter how down I am, he lifts me up. I am convinced he is my saving grace. He has this way of calming me down, making me realize that everything *will* be ok, I just gotta give it time. I don't think my life was truly fulfilled until he came into it and now, I'm so afraid of losing it. It keeps me up at night, it makes me worry all day. I can't lose this. I know I'm not usually this lucky, but God for once, can you make my dreams come true? Can I just have this one thing and I won't ever ask you for anything else? I know I probably don't deserve it, but I will spend the rest of my life proving that I DO if I have to. I don't care what it takes. If I let this man slip out of my grip, I could never forgive myself. I almost let it happen once, I won't make that mistake again.

God, I sound like a freak. haha. I don't care though...I will tell the whole world if I have to. I don't care what anyone thinks. I am in love with Bryan, and it means everything to me. No matter how bad of a day I have, no matter what kind of mood I'm in, he makes it all go away. His love heals me. I can't ask for more. :)

I <3 you baby.

She always has the best intentions, her goodness is innate.

Why does each day have to be such a struggle? Am I just making life harder than it has to be? I think I have this way of doing that...of making ANYTHING harder than it has to be. Why do I do this? All I want is to sit in a park (GOD why can't Central Park be closer?) with the cool breeze blowing through my hair...with a good book in my hands and a glass of tea sitting next to me. I want to stop reading every now and then and look up...watch the people walking by, watch the children run and play and laugh. They have no idea how hard life gets...nor do they really care. I want that back. I want that innocence back. Where do I find it? Is it even there anymore? Sometimes I find myself wanting to just run (drive actually :)) away and not look back. I couldn't tell you why really.