Life's a dance, you learn as you go

Gosh. Haven't posted in awhile. A LOT has been going on in my life. It's almost too much to even make sense of...overwhelming, if you will.

I found out my parents have both been doing cocaine for the past three years. I think the worst part of that though, was finding it out through my 16 year old brother. I don't know what to do. I can't talk to them. They don't listen to reason and they are NEVER wrong, nor are they ever DOING anything wrong. I know that if I were to confront them about it, they would deny it and make me look like the bad person for EVER accusing them of doing something like that. I kind of suspected that they were doing it, because about three years ago, I was living back at home, and my mom comes downstairs and I'm watching tv, and she's crying and asking me to call 911 because she can't breathe and her heart is beating really fast...so I call them. They show up and they are asking her all these questions. They asked her if she had used any drugs, and I heard her tell them she had snorted cocaine the night before. She promised it was the first and last time she would ever do it. Apparently...she never stopped. My whole family is falling apart at the seams and I have no idea how to make it right. On one hand, I don't care because I lost respect for my parents a LONG time ago. I'm completely fine with never speaking to them again or having any kind of relationship with them. I just worry about my little brothers. I don't know how to help them.

I worry about my mom the most. I did have a relationship with her, a long time ago. I miss it. I miss who she used to be. It's absolutely heartbreaking to watch your mother piss her life away. She used to be the strongest, most beautiful woman I knew. She's not that person anymore. She's sad, depressed, lonely, a hypochondriac, a loser, a drug user, a TERRIBLE mother, selfish...

There's not a day that goes by that I don't wonder if I'm going to get a phone call saying she's gone. I dread that day, but I fear that it's not too far away.